


Keep Your Hands to Yourself

by DastardlySonya



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Fluff, M/M, Matchmaking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-12
Updated: 2015-10-12
Packaged: 2018-04-26 00:25:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4982689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DastardlySonya/pseuds/DastardlySonya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jo plays matchmaker for Dean and Cas in a very non-traditional way.  Sam is done.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Keep Your Hands to Yourself

Keep Your Hands To Yourself (Dammit)

“This is dumb,” Dean Winchester said, shaking his head and taking a step back through the door. “This is so, so dumb.”  
“Yep,” Jo Harvelle agreed, giving him a push back inside. “But you act like a five year old so we will settle this like the emotionally stunted man you are.”  
Dean tried to dig in his heels, but for being so much smaller than him Jo was strong. He slid forward and his shoe caught on the doorjamb, forcing him to take a step forward or fall on his face. He staggered into the room, and Jo slammed the door behind them both a second later.  
“It would help if you told me what the plan was,” he said, crossing his arms and trying to ignore the fact that he’d just been overpowered by the small blonde in front of him.  
“It wouldn’t help,” Jo answered. “If I told you, you’d never go along with it.”  
Dean snorted. “Awesome. Really awesome.”  
“It’s going to be,” she promised. The small smile that had begun to form on her face suddenly disappeared. “I’m going to yell at you now.”  
Dean’s eyebrows shot up and he let his arms drop to his sides. “You’re going to–wait, what?”  
“God, Dean,” Jo said loudly, ignoring his confusion. “Oh my freaking God. This is so typical of you!”  
“Wait, hold on, I’m lost–”  
“Of course you’re lost, you’re always fucking lost, that’s the problem! I try to have one conversation with you and two words in you’re already wandering away! Just listen for once!”  
Hearing raised voices, Sam poked his head around the corner from the kitchen. “Is everything okay in here?” he asked. “I thought I heard–”  
“No, it is not okay!” Jo shouted, clenching her fists. Dean didn’t know if this was part of her mysterious plan or if she was actually pissed. “Your jackass of a brother can’t hold an conversation to save his life! I mean, what the hell? I just need someone to talk to, you know? And he just fucking leaves!”  
“Um,” Sam said articulately, looking at Dean pointedly. Dean only shrugged and mouthed, I don’t know.  
“Don’t give me that,” Jo snapped. “Of course you know! It’s not like you can’t notice, you’re the one who does it! Why can’t you just… ugh!”  
Jo fell silent, and Dean decided to risk saying something. “All arguments aside, I’m really confused–”  
There were footsteps on the stairs, and a moment later Castiel was peering down at them. “I heard yelling,” he said.  
“Yeah,” Jo said irritably. “That was me.”  
“That was you, going full psycho on me,” Dean corrected.  
Jo glared at him, and once again he was surprised by her intensity. “I am so sick of this, and I just… UGH.” And in one quick movement she lurched forward and sent a knee slammed up between Dean’s legs.  
There was a moment of dead silence. Nobody moved. And then Dean let out a tiny little squeak and sunk slowly to the floor.  
“Holy shit,” Sam said, staring first at Dean, then at Jo, and back again. “Why did you do that?”  
“Because,” Jo said simply, backing away from Dean as Cas descended the remaining stairs.  
Sam frowned. “Wait. Wait. Jo–”  
Cas frowned, looking down at Dean. “Are you hurt, Dean?”   
Sucking in a deep breath, Dean managed to shake his head, but remained curled in the fetal position. “No, nope, I’m fine.” He tried to sit up but gave up with another pathetic groan.  
“You’re hurt,” Cas observed, voice filled with exasperation. “There’s no need to be tough about it. I’m an angel, let me just–” He reached out for Dean, and Dean managed to roll away, shielding himself.   
“Cas, what the hell man?” he demanded.  
“I’m an angel, let me heal you,” Cas said stubbornly.  
“Dude, come on!” Dean protested. Using the arm of the couch as leverage, he managed to rise to some semblance of a standing position. “See look, I’m… oww.”  
Cas took a step forward, and Dean hobbled back, knees forced together. They both took another step. Sam looked to Jo.  
“I hate you so much,” he said, and she smirked.   
“Not as much as Dean does,” she said.  
Cas was once again reaching towards Dean’s injured area, and Dean swatted his hand away, limping, barely upright, around the couch. Cas rolled his eyes, jaw clenched in frustration. “Dean,” he said, moving to circle around the couch.   
Dean did the same. “No.” he said firmly.  
“No homo,” Jo whispered under her breath, and despite his annoyance Sam gave a snort of laughter.  
Dean pointed at him warningly from across the room. “You shut up.”  
Sam raised a hand in surrender. “Fine, fine…” He turned to Jo. “This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen.”  
Jo shook her head in disapproval. “Then you really haven’t lived,” she said, and Sam didn’t ask her what she had seen that could possibly compare to this.  
“You know what?” Dean was saying, forcing himself to straighten up. “I think I’m better. Just fine.” He tried to move and a look of extreme nausea passed over his face. “Oh God.”  
Cas had had enough. He planted one foot on the seat of the couch and propelled himself over. Dean, distracted by his nausea, wasn’t fast enough to dodge the hand that darted out.  
Things became very awkward at this point. Dean, wishing he was glaring but he wasn’t, stared at Cas, eyebrows raised and mouth open in an expression of shock. Cas glared at him for being so stubborn, and in concentration as he focused his angel powers. Jo stood, once hand clapped over her mouth, trying desperately to hold back her laughter. Sam just stood there. So. Completely. Done.  
“I’m out,” he said, breaking the silence, and did an about face back into the kitchen. A second later the kitchen door slammed behind him.   
Jo lingered only a moment longer, taking one last appraising look at the frozen Dean and Cas. “…Have fun kids,” she said in a rush, and followed after Sam.

**Author's Note:**

> Loosely based on this tumblr post: http://livebloggingmydescentintomadness.tumblr.com/post/130568101489/carwilla-all-i-want-is-for-dean-to-get-kicked
> 
> No infringement on characters is intended. This is for entertainment only, and I own nothing except the particular way I happened to string the 26 letters of the alphabet together this time.


End file.
